Real, or not real?

If someone asked you what your greatest fear was, what would your answer be? I think one of the things that scares me most in life is completely losing my memory. As of now, I'm running on about 4 or 5 concussions, and it feels as though my memory worsens daily. I've been meaning to see a doctor about it for some time now, I just really hate doctors.

I know that every average joe forgets things occasionally. Where we parked the car, what we came into the room for and ....where did I put my phone? Nothing to be worried about. So for the longest time, I figured that what I was experiencing was normal. Everyone forgets some things, right? Wrong. Today I'm pretty sure that I hit an all time low. I guess I had the date February 28th for this photo-shoot I have to do. Long story short, I forgot my own birthday. The past two days, I've been unconsciously thinking that my birthday is February 28th. It wasn't until a friend texted me today telling me she's getting ankle surgery on February 27th did I think "..wait..something's not right here." And even then, it took me a while to remember that oh, February 27th is my birthday. But hey, one day off isn't that bad, right?

Sometimes I try and kid myself. I tell myself, hey maybe I've always had a faulty memory. Maybe it wasn't the concussions. Maybe this is in fact normal for me. But each and every time, something else proves me wrong. I've become an expert at writing things down, using the notes and calendar features of my iPhone, using an agenda at school, using a whiteboard in my room, and using sticky notes and all over the apartment as soon as something pops into my head. And man, I've got to admit...all of that is exhausting. And sometimes it STILL doesn't even help. Some things still get lost, like spelling or directions. Sometimes I'm driving or brushing my teeth or on a run, and I don't immediately have access to a sticky note or my phone. You know that nagging feeling you get when you feel like you've forgotten something? I kid you not when I tell you that's the story of my life. So, is this what it's all boiled down to? A couple of knocks to the head and now I can't remember squat? I thought all of last year was 2014...no joke. I can't remember things I've said, people I've met, places I've been? It's terrifying, really.

Imagine living half of your life black-out drunk. Okay, my problem isn't that serious, but sometimes it feels that way. Some of my closest friends know about my memory problem, and they try to help me by telling me old stories of myself or talking about people we used to know that I have no recollection of. But sometimes, it just makes me feel worse. Skeptical, even. Can I really trust the memory of others? For all I know, they could be feeding me complete lies but I would never know the difference. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like my life anymore. It's like I'm hearing the stories of complete strangers. How could my brain just delete things from my past like that? It's frustrating and it's overwhelming.

Maybe that's the reason that I've taken up blogging. It helps me write down memories that I may not remember the next day, month, or year. It's the easiest way to describe certain feelings and emotions with such precision and detail that maybe one day when I read it again I will remember how I felt about a situation or what happened. Maybe I'm trying to write down my legacy, so even if I forget, no one else will.