Tired, Tried. Same Letters, Different Meaning

I knew we were in trouble the first time I felt the fight drain out of me. Normally, I would say that’s a good thing. It’s dangerous to start fights that don’t matter, or that lead to nowhere. But it’s also dangerous to start a fight you can’t finish. So for me, it’s a bad sign. I can only recall a select few times I felt completely spent of an argument, and it never really ended well. Because you see, I’m a fighter. It’s what I do. I was born and bred to be tough and to hold my own. So when I’m tired of it, it usually means I don’t care anymore. And that’s not something I’d care to admit to anyone. But I’m trying, and I guess that’s what matters for now.

Daniel

Daniel, almost certainly inadvertently, taught me to be a better person. I’m fairly positive it’s inadvertent because the way he’s taught me. It’s not him teaching me, so to speak. But it’s the feelings I hold for him. When he comes to me with a problem, when we get in a fight, and even when we’re just talking, I think before I speak to him. Which is a hell of a lot farther than I was just 7 or 8 months ago before I met him. I was such a little fire spitter. I still am, too… just less so. I used to proclaim my opinions before I thought about how it would affect those around me. But with Daniel, I don’t want to say anything that might hurt him. I don’t want to say anything that might make him leave. Don’t get me wrong, I in no way skirt around important issues, but I’m more careful about voicing my harsh opinions now, and I sometimes even rethink the roots of those opinions in the first place.

Daniel helps me to see things in a different light. When he comes to me with a problem or a complaint, sometimes my initial reaction is to tell him my point of view, or something that I’ve experienced that may relate to what he’s going through. Although this can be helpful at times, I’ve come to realize that he is not ME. Sometimes how I would handle a situation or what I would do and say is not the best option for HIM. So now when we talk, I try to view the problem 360 degrees before giving him my best answer.

Daniel has also helped me grow up. I’ll give you an example. I sent him a sweet text when I woke up, and hours later, while waiting outside my next class, I received a snapchat from him. I was online and found Facebook updates and other indications that he had been on his phone, read my text message, and ignored it. SO, instead of tweeting the ambiguous tweet I hastily typed out, or silently fuming for the rest of the day, building up anger until I next saw my poor unsuspecting boyfriend, I confronted him about it. Like any sane adult would. And he apologized. Again, like any sane adult would. And just like that, it was over. We avoided an entire would-have-been fight, which I can see now unraveling in my head, and not ending well.

Daniel reinforces lessons I’ve already been taught before. I think the biggest one I struggle with is that my pain and my past pains do not lessen the pain of others. If Daniel comes to me with a sprained wrist, a pulled quad, hell even a hangnail, I try to be as sympathetic as possible. Which is a huge deal for me, mind you. I try to remember that yes, even though I have been in an inordinate amount of pain in my life, that in no way affects the pain that my loved one is experiencing right now. Today.  Because when I come to Daniel complaining of pain, you bet your ass he’s right there comforting me, doing anything he can to help.

Daniel has even helped me appreciate what I have more than ever. Both through his inaction as well as his actions. Although I try to think about and be thankful for what I’ve got every day, sometimes I forget just how lucky I really am. And Daniel reminds me of that. He reminds me how lucky I am to have such a great and supportive family and an amazing upbringing, sometimes outright and sometimes by observing his interactions with his own family. But he also influences me through his lack of appreciation for the things he has. Which is just as important, because I hope that he can learn from my blindness sometimes, too. All in all, I’m just really lucky to have Daniel in my life, and I’m working on reminding him- every single day.