Soccer

For those of you that know me, you know that I get injured a lot. But this time, it's really got me down. At least before, I always had the solace that when I recover, I'll get to play soccer again. I'll get to come back as apart of a team. But this time, I don't have a team to come back to. I thought that I could deal with this, but lately it's been hitting me pretty hard. I can't take a walk down chancellors, check my twitter, or pass by the UNCW soccer stadium without being reminded of what was, and what could have been. I see my old teammates on a daily basis, I see my old coaches almost once a week, and I see tweets about hard workouts or pictures of fun pick up games every time I pick up the phone. Of course, I'm thankful to have had the change to meet all my teammates, because those are friends that I never would have made otherwise. But that doesn't make it any easier.

I've found that I can't play in pick up games or go to club soccer practice without getting extremely frustrated and angry. I can't participate in a game where a "good cross" flies over the heads of the forwards when for the past year it's been pounded into my brain that a good cross stays low and driven to the penalty spot. I can't play in a game where a missed tackle can mean a broken foot- not with the intent to injure but lack of skill. I'm tired of pick-up games where the boys never pass it to the girls because they think we're not good players. I just can't play anymore. And that's the worst part.

I used to think that playing injured was tough. That being unable to dribble, pass, run as I once could was devastating. I used to think that the inability to prove myself to my teammates and my coaches was earth-shattering, especially when I knew how good I could be, if only I was healthy. But I was wrong. I mean, at least I was playing. Compared to this, playing injured was a piece of cake.

Soccer is something I love, and it's supposed to be enjoyable. It's not supposed to make me sad, it's supposed to be my release, just as it has been for the past 15 years of my life. Without soccer, without a team, I've found myself extremely lost these past few months. Without my perfect outlet, it's like all my feelings just stay bundled up inside me, making me depressed and easily agitated. When I lost soccer, I lost so much, and I'd do anything to get that back.

But I can't. So what do you do when the thing you've devoted your body and your entire life to is no longer there for you?