Change

People always used to ask me how I can make such radical changes so quickly and so often, and I used to always say that I just like to change things up. That I get bored of routines. But that's not true. I actually genuinely like routines. I like things I can count on. I think I like to make changes that coincide with defining moments in my life. When I was 18, I finally decided where I wanted to go to college, which was huge for me. So then I got my first tattoo. Sort of a commemoration of my first "grown up" decision. And what better way to prove you're legal than to do something only legal adults can do: get a tattoo.

Shortly after moving to college, I cut off all my hair. It's sort of my way of interpreting how that change affected my internally. New city, new friends, new confidence to be who I am. New person.

Before I got my first ankle surgery, I got a pet bunny that I snuck into the dorms on campus. I was scared- scared that I would get cut from the soccer team if I couldn't recover quick enough, scared at my rapidly increasing number of surgeries at such a young age, and scared that I'd never be able to play soccer like I once did. Getting a bunny not only took my mind off of worrying all the time, but it also helped me open my heart to another living being in my life, and gave me something to focus on while recovering from surgery.

It was my first real week of practice back from ankle surgery. I hadn't ran or touched a ball in months. So naturally, my coach decided that I had to pass a fitness test before I could practice with the team. A fitness test that people train all summer to pass, and I had just gotten cleared only weeks prior. I passed that fitness test, and that was SUCH a defining moment for me. I proved to my coach and, more importantly, to myself, that not only was I physically tough, but I was mentally tough. You can throw whatever obstacles you want my way but when I am focused on achieving a goal, you bet your ass I'll do everything in my power get where I want to be. Not an hour later, I was in the chair at the salon with a buzzer to my scalp, bringing about haircut number two.

And finally, when I got my MRI results back on my ankle and had to meet with my coach. We both decided there was no way I could play at a collegiate level with a bum ankle, and there was no way I could simultaneously heal while remaining an active member of our team. And that was when I got my first "real" tattoo. And by real I mean my first piece of art on my body. My most recent tattoo symbolizes that you can make it on your own. It symbolizes the fight I still have left in me, and that I haven't given up. It reminds me that even when all odds are against you, you can prove those odds wrong.

So maybe it's a bad habit, to constantly have to make changes when something in your life changes who you are. But for me, the changes remind me everyday who I used to be, who I am, and who I want to become. And that, I wouldn't trade for the world.

High School Friends

Sitting with my high school friends last night, it's amazing how much information I find that I keep to myself. It's always been overwhelming for me, attempting to catch up on every aspect of everyone's lives all within a few days. So I find myself quietly listening. And I think this is for two reasons:
1) I genuinely like to listen. I like to hear about other peoples lives and what they've been up to and how they've been doing. I like being caught up in the know, and I like catching up on my friends lives. It makes me feel closer to them, even though some of us are so far away.
2) There's absolutely no way I can explain everything that's happened to me since we last saw each other. Especially while everyone else is trying to do the same thing, all at the same time. And maybe it's just me, but somehow I find that everything that has happened to me is connected, like a big web of stories. I can't just tell one story without tapping into an entire backlog of stories, some that have happened so long ago that there's no possible way I can explain it how I saw it through my own two eyes.
If you're not with me every step of the way, you're not with me at all. And I don't mean that in a spiteful way! There's no way that any of us have the time or energy to keep up with each other's live while we are away at school, busy with sports and classes and clubs and internships. I guess it's just the way that I'm wired, that I don't like rehashing old stories that I have no interest in telling.
So instead of explaining my entire life in one sitting, I keep quiet. I keep my answers to questions short and sweet, and do my best to redirect the attention to my other friends. And I honestly wouldn't want it any other way!

The Nervous Wreck

You should never let anyone see the nervous wreck that's inside of you. Bounce your legs, bite your nails, pull your hair out all you want in the privacy of your own home. But when it's game time, you have to buckle down and leave it at home. You have to put on your big girl make up and your winning smile, and you show them that nothing can phase you. Because whether you like it or not, no one wants a girl who is constantly second guessing themselves. Someone unsure. They want a woman with resilience, who won't snap with the slightest breeze of the wind. You want to exude strength and confidence like it's your job. People take notice of that, whether it's your boss or a stranger on the street, and they appreciate it. So don't go into anything- big or small- with sweaty palms and a shy smile, because the world will eat you up like the sweet little candy that you are. You walk in with your chin up, your head held high, and your shoulders back. You have to be strong for yourself, because no one else will be strong for you.

And that's how you go places in life.

Long Time, No See

Hello everyone!

I know it has been such a long time since I've last posted in my blog...I've just been completely swamped with school work and figuring out plans for this summer and next year...it's exhausting!!

Anyway, I thought I'd share something I stumbled upon last week. I've recently began physical therapy again for my ankle, and my surgeon sent me to this new guy in town...who happens to be his neighbor. It's just so interesting to me, because I find that instead of getting to know me himself, this new guy (we'll call him Alan) is completely basing my behavior and reactions off of what others have said.

The first day I showed up to physical therapy, Alan felt the need to mention that he had spoken with my ankle surgeon twice since my referral, and he had also contacted my previous two physical therapists to see what treatments I had received in the past. I thought that was great- there's not point in continuing with the same old treatments that didn't help the first time around- but I was also a little taken aback. Alan asked me "are you lying?" after every single question I answered. He immediately told me that he wasn't going to "baby me" like my physical therapists have in the past. Apparently, my old physical therapists and my ankle surgeon had not shared very kind works, and it felt like I was in boot camp.

And of course, instead of turning a new leaf, I went back to my old, disobedient, rebel child ways. Even though I am an adult now, with nothing to lie about or work towards (not playing soccer anymore), I still immediately went on the defensive and became exactly the person everyone else had told them I was- therefore proving him right. Which ticked me off even more.

So, my little revelation? I think if you go into a situation assuming that a person is going to act a certain way, they will in fact rise or sink to those expectations. Now I guess it's just up to me to be the bigger person, instead of waiting for him.