Just Relax (written 5/22, published 7/27)

It took me a long time to figure out what it means to truly relax. Growing up as a kid, I was involved in so many activities that it was rare that I had any idle time. During the school year I was involved in various academic clubs, I was in after-school, played soccer, basketball, ran cross country, took piano and guitar lessons, and did karate. During the summers I had soccer camps, day camps, tennis lessons, golf lessons, swim team, etc. I was always running from one thing to the next.

I remember when I was 12, I played for Charlotte Soccer Club, and they used to penalize us players for showing up late to practice. It never made sense to me, because we were only 12. We couldn't drive, we had no control over what time we got to practice. Yet, we still had to run sprints or do push-ups or undergo some form of humiliation when we were late to practice. So I was always waiting at the car when it was time to go, soccer bag packed, water bottle full, ready to go. I guess what I'm trying to say is I was always ready to go, always planning ahead, always ready for the next place to be. And I carried that with me into adulthood.

Relaxing isn't just physically relaxing your muscles. You can lay down in bed and still not be relaxing. You can release the tension in your legs and arms, and still be clenching your jaw. It's a science, really. And even you make the conscious effort to relax every muscle in your body...you can still forget one. Your brain. If your mind is racing, thinking about all of the errands you have to run tomorrow or the material on the exam in the morning or what exactly to pack in your soccer bag or whatever, you're not relaxing.

My biggest problem is making lists. I am ALWAYS making lists. Of what to buy, of what to do, of what order to do them in. I make them in my head, and then I write them down, and then I add to them in my head, and then I write those down. Even the most simple things. I've had lists saved in my phone that say: wake up. Use the bathroom. (Really, I've actually written that down. No joke) Let the dog out. Leave for class. It just comforts me to have something written down in order I guess. But sometimes making a list lets me get to a state of relaxation, so I do it anyway.

Some people also mistake relaxing for watching TV or a movie, and maybe that is relaxing for some people, but not for me. I think that's the reason I've always hated movies. They make my mind race. I want to write things down, to jot down little notes about a character or symbolism. I want to point out how unrealistic it is that no one realized the protagonist was still alive and in hiding, or how a hint in the beginning of the movie gave away the entire ending. I want to not care. I want to sit back and enjoy the movie. But I never can, so I stopped watching.

As weird as it sounds, I've found a way to be thankful for my recent ankle surgery, because it has forced me to slow down. It's given me the time I need to evaluate many different aspects of my life. I guess being physically unable to rush to soccer practice, to plan a workout, or to even drive or prepare my own meals has left me with nothing else to do but relax. I've caught up on my sleep, I've started a few books and I've even laid in bed and let my mind wander. It's been revitalizing. And so yes, I am thankful for this ankle surgery, because if you can't find at least one good thing from every bad situation, you're doing it wrong

Doctors doctors doctors

I've been thinking a lot lately about something my doctor told me a few months back. After intense testing, we discovered that after my 4 (?) concussions, the damage my brain sustained had essentially taken away my ability to focus, which is the root of my short-term memory problems. My overall short term memory scores absolutely tanked, most of which falling between the 6th and 8th percentiles...ouch.

One of the things my doctor said he could do was prescribe me ritalin, to which of course I immediately and stubbornly declined. I told him I didn't like taking medication, he told me he wasn't to keen on it either, and I left. Haven't seen him since.  But maybe I should just get out of my own way for once, and quit letting my stubborn-ness rule my life. I mean I'm definitely against medicating unless it's absolutely necessary, but I want to get into med school for pete's sake. And I need to start cracking down with my school work. Correction- I should have cracked down long ago, but better late than never eh? So why was I so quick to decline something that could help me in the long run? I mean, think about it. Problems focusing could definitely inhibit my ability to succeed in the classroom. Memory problems could inhibit my test-taking abilities and studying effectiveness.

Basically what I'm saying is, I'm not in any position to be declining possible help in the academics department. But is it really worth me trashing my morals and everything I stand for? It just seems a tad hypocritical. I've always spoke out against doctors who over-medicate their patients, and prescribe adderall and ritalin to any kid who walks into their office complaining of "focus problems" looking to score meds for the next big exam. But I guess the tests don't lie...and if you really do need it, you should take it.

I think another big thing is that I would be going back on my word with my doctor. I told him I didn't want it...and now months later I'm calling him up asking for a prescription? It just seems a bit sketchy, and I even know the back story. It's a pride thing, too. I told him I didn't need it, that I could cope. And I have slowly but surely been finding coping techniques to combat my forgetfulness. But there comes a point when coping is all you're doing. And it's so time consuming that it's almost not worth it anymore.

I don't know...I guess I won't know until I try, huh?

I'll keep you posted!