Have you ever liked someone so much that you wanted to just tell them all of your faults? It's almost like I have to plan out every move I make before I make it, because I'm so scared that I'm going to mess things up. Because I know, in the back of my mind, that my past experiences are going to stop me from enjoying my present. So let me get it out in the open, right now, in the beginning, so when it comes up later maybe- just maybe- we'll have a chance. Here goes:
I have very low expectations.
I have trust issues.
I can be cold.
I will not open up.
I think the worst part is how well I understand the root and the truths of these faults, and yet I still let them control me. I have very low expectations because I have been with men who have not treated me for what I'm worth. Eventually, you come to expect it. But the thing is, I damn sure know that every woman deserves to be treated with respect as well as love. I also know that today's society teaches women that they must earn love. That they must perform in order to get rewarded. That they must achieve some impossible level of perfection and beauty in order to obtain love. So women end up falling for these asshole men that treat them like crap, and they stay with them, because they don't think they deserve any better. And when it's over, they fall for another asshole man, simply because it's familiar, and it happens again and again. I know all of this, and yet, I fall into my own trap time after time.
I have trust issues because I have been hurt before. I have been told I was the only one, when there were many others. I have been tricked into believing a fabricated love, an artificial connection. I have been played for a fool, believing I was his everything, when really, he just wanted my everything. But this is not the norm. Just because it happened to me, does not mean that every guy is out for blood. I know this, yet I remain skeptical of every word, every compliment. I wonder how many girls you've gone through this exact same process with, said the same sweet words to, caressed with those honeyed lips... no matter how hard I try not to.
I can be cold. I'm not the type to shower you with compliments, to tell you how much I love you or how I feel. I lack the empathy necessary for a healthy relationship. Why? Because it was beat out of me. I've learned too many times that letting yourself care for someone only leads in pain and betrayal. That once you tell him those personal details you've so desperately been trying to hide, he'll be in your head. And once he's moved into your head, he won't like what he sees, and he'll leave. He'll leave, and he'll take all of your secrets with him. I've seen first hand men doing wrong to their women- I won't let that happen to me.
I don't open up. I won't tell you about my past, or things that make me feel vulnerable. Often, if you even ask about something too personal, I'll shut down entirely- for who knows how long- leaving you left wondering where you went wrong. So I've become an expert in getting around opening up to people I care about. If you ramble on about in-depth details of your everyday life, he'll come to believe that you do open up. That you'd tell him anything. He won't think twice. But fair warning: it doesn't work forever. Sooner or later, he realizes that you can rattle of every fact about his life, whereas he can only tell you what you had for lunch yesterday, or where you bought your new shoes. He'll realize that you know the most intimate details of his life, but he was some how robbed of this privilege. And he won't be happy.
The thing is, all of these faults stop me from finding someone unlike anyone I've been with before. They take me off the market. They make me automatically assume a guy that is interested in me is no good. That he will end up like the rest, and that I should just skip it all together to spare the trouble. But that's just not true. Gary Allan put it better than I ever could: "go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns, because we all have thorns."
So maybe I've built up a wall. But I'm not worried. If I didn't let my past effect my present, I would never be the strong, independent person I am today. I know that someday, when I'm ready, someone will take the time to slowly tear down those walls. And if they are unable to do so, it wasn't meant to be. It might be tedious, it might be tiring, but I have faith that it will happen, even if its brick by brick.
Gary Allan- Every Storm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1q3LEadIk3w&feature=kp
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